October 14, 2006 § 2 Comments
>Let’s face it, I’m never going to write that blog I promised from my trip to New York. I just am too tired and don’t feel like back-tracking.
So here’s what’s new since I’ve been back:
On the T there was a college-aged guy wearing a blogger t-shirt (it was blue with the website’s B logo in orange). I really wished I had a camera phone because he really embodied this whole site in my mind. He was dorky (reading what looked like a really nerdy book called Secret Parts of Fortune), with just a hint of coolness in his shaggy but groomed haircut. He had bad facial hair and no hair on his arms. I started wondering if it was a sign. Do I blog too much, am I turning into that much of a nerd, am I already that much of a nerd, does it matter? I wanted to go ask him if he worked for blogger and exchange blog addresses, but I also wanted to run in the opposite direction. All because of his t-shirt. And then I began thinking of other websites and wondering what people would look like if they were a website. What would hotmail look like or friendster or myspace or craigslist. I mean, we know what Craig from craigslist looks like, but he doesn’t really look like what I imagine the site would look like if it was a person. Do I look like a website? Which one? Etc.
New topic: Kimberley and Katherine (she’s also an Obie, which is weird. Is my whole world revolving around Oberlin suddenly?) baked me a surprise banana bread to celebrate my new home in New York. It was so sweet of them.
Today I talked to my friend, Kasey, who lives in Minneapolis, and it was so good to hear that he’s doing well and taking care of himself. I mean, I feel like he and I are both trying to learn to be alone (he also just got out of a four year relationship) and to do things that we love. The last time I talked to him, he wasn’t so hopeful and it’s nice to see him so actively involved in his art and to feel like he’s taking the reins of his life. It’s empowering to see other people working on making their lives better.
The hard thing is not letting go of the relationship. The hard thing is learning to be alone. On the train going to New York, I saw all these beautiful colors and trees and lakes and I realized that I can see them with my own eyes and absorb all of its essence and not ever share it with another person. These can be my own discoveries. I can read an amazing passage in a book and love it and I can choose to share it with another person or keep it as my own. I’m just so used to telling another person everything that happens in my life and in my brain that I’m kind of savoring all these private moments I get to have with myself. Do you know what I mean? It feels so new and good and sometimes it’s lonely but sometimes it’s just like reading under my comforter in the cold. I have no idea if that makes sense.
I walked outside this afternoon and there was another amazing package from Aimee. I loved the typed letter on the homemade paper, the homemade Cornelius toy, the paper cut-outs, the rock. It was perfect. (No surprise there.) I know you (Aimee) said you’re learning about receiving things without reciprocating and I think I do that too. I start to wonder about what I can give back right away. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I like the cycle, the exchange.
Tonight I went to Filene’s with Kimberley. They’ve been going out of business for months. I found this dress that’s long and dark brown (my favorite) and cotton and a little too big and has tiny straps. It’s like a long lightweight sundress. Originally it cost 56 dollars and the saleswoman sold it to me for 8 dollars because it was missing a sweater or something. I felt like she was giving me a present, just for taking it off her hands. I’m excited about lying around in it. I’m going to christen it my First New York Apartment Dress.
Today is my half birthday. Since I turned 27, so much has happened. Geographically, I’ve been to Minneapolis, Duluth, New York, Boston, Chicago, and back and forth between places a ridiculous amount of times. I’ve ended a relationship, lost a best friend, gained new friends, strengthened others, found a new home in New York, danced as hard as I could, read tons of books, written new work, applied to six billion jobs, and so much more. I can’t believe how much has happened in six months. I’m curious (and a little frightened, but also excited) to see what the next six months will hold.
I’m still fighting this ridiculous cold (though it’s just lingering at this point) so I’m laying low tonight.