>Serves you right.

May 2, 2008 § Leave a comment

>“If you’ve never served as a juror before, you haven’t yet lived.” So says the oldest white man on the planet, a judge at the Queens County Courthouse. I have now had the honor of sitting through his memorized, thirty-minute speech about jury duty TWICE.

I am unclear about whether or not it’s illegal at this time to state on my blog that I have strong anti-American feelings, and every hour that ticks away at jury duty, this emotional anguish, dare I say hatred, grows deeper.

I have become That Girl; no lawyer wants me to serve on the jury for their case. I’ve made this into an occupation.

Day One:

Right away, I begin to plug away on my laptop because coinciding with jury duty is the deadline for my seminar agenda for graduate school. But wait! I’ve only begun to make myself comfortable when a security guard politely yells (I do think this is possible) at me for putting my feet on the chair. As soon as he walks away, my feet go back up.

Way to stick it to the law!

Maybe there should be a special section on the jury questionnaire where you can write in a few sentences about how you respond to authority. That would save us all a lot of time.

Fine, I’m back to working on my seminar, and my name gets called.

Something to know about civil court: if it’s possible to rank lawyers based on any kind of integrity scale, I’m dealing with the bottom-of-the-barrel, or maybe the gum stuck to the bottom of the outside of the barrel.

My first two lawyers set the tone. SMARMY! I felt like I was being sold a broken down car for the price of a new one. I went into bratty mode (not hard for me) and told them how very, very busy I am with my thesis, and that it would be impossible for me to give my attention to anything beyond my education.

These lawyers like to talk way more than I like the sound of my own voice. After a few cracks at my birthplace (Minneapolis), I was sent back to the jury pool downstairs.

Just when I was settled into my chair (feet up, of course), my name got called for panel number two. You don’t need all the details. Here’s the quickie: AMERICAN FLAG NECKTIE! And of course, smarmy.

I won points with my fellow prospective jurors because one of the lawyers asked me a question and I said, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening to you.” How much would you not want me to serve on your jury? I tried to fake falling asleep, but when I reenacted this for Joe later, he said I wasn’t convincing. I’m going to try harder today.

It’s day two. I’m back in the jury pool, praying my name doesn’t get called and that I get out of here unscathed. In G-d we trust.

Currently I’m listening to Sade and reading Joy Williams. Jury duty can be a cultural experience.

Update: I trusted in G-d and they released me! My name didn’t get called once on my second day. They sent me home with a certificate of completion. This almost feels as good as finishing my thesis. Almost.


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